Sunday, 9 August 2009

Feeling very very sad

Being on invalids benefit, the government were kind enough to fund for the Diploma I am doing at art school but just recently they appear to have moved the goalposts so I am now stranded part way through the diploma (had completed the foundation stage and was about to go onto stage 1). I cannot afford to take on debt so I just feel devistated. I was also really stressed that the admin side of artschool made things so much more difficult for me than they needed to be over the last few months. i struggle with reading and writing and there wss some real unhelpfulness ocuring- if a monthish ago when the meeting was all arranged and she was keen to put the TIA through and all was going ahead the admin side at art school had not been so dogmatic i would now be working on my stage 1 work - but now the goalposts have changed with the funding I've missed out, yet again, on something I really wanted to do. I am so upset.

Artschool gave me a reason for getting up in the morning. It helped me be lifted out of the situation I am in and work on something that was moving forward into a future and expanding my horizons, something other than sickness to occupy my waking thoughts.

I learned new ways of doing things, was exposed to materials I had never heard of, and the years I really needed to do were coming up - all about professional practice and carreer things and I feel so very very sad that this has been made so difficult to be part of when it was such a construtive part of my life.

With my life in so much turmoil and uphealev and so much being uncertain about my future, this was the ONE constant i had to hold onto. The one thing that was just a joy. The one thing that was going to be there to bring purpose and direction.

Now its gone. And I dont know what to do. I cant make this right. i cant make any thing right. It is a lost opportunity and I feel so very sad. One more goal 'not achieved' to add to the many many other 'not achieved's' Yet it did not need to be so. Very sad.

No comments: